Evil Toons, the Who Framed Roger Rabbit of tit-filled, exploitative B-movies, follows four supersexy coeds whose weekend job cleaning a house gets thrown for a loop when one of them is possessed by a vicious (but horny) cartoon wolf. Yeah, it's weird, but it's filled to the brim with phenomenal busty babes baring their boob meat like there's no tomorrow.
I don't think there's enough beer in the world to make this movie enjoyable but you can check out a review of this masterpiece at Xploiting Cinema Reviews if you want to know more about it.It does have Penthouse Pet Michelle Bauer in it, so I guess that's something. You can see her naked here.
So a little while back I posted some (creepyish) pictures of Uschi Digard posing naked with a German Shepherd and remembered that Brigitte Lahaie had also done some nude photos with dogs and horses. I tracked them down and it turns out Ms. Lahaie posed for so many animal/nudie pics that I'm going to have to break them into several posts. I'll start with her and a fish.
Kitty, Michelle and Joanne are lively young nurses who work at a large hospital and give the sexiest treatment you’ve ever seen in The Young Nurses. This is the story of the loves and lives of these beauties who must struggle to establish themselves as professionals in medicine at a hospital where sex, drugs and violence are rampant.
You can tell this movie is old because none of the nurses are Filipino. Zing!
I've never seen The Young Nurses and can't say that I ever will, but I can tell you one thing: that poster has a lot of puns.
Suzanne Ager stars as Diana, a foxy young elite CIA sniper, in this low budget action film. Assigned to hunt down and kill the CIA's top assassin, Mars, whom they believe is now too old to be of any use and possess enough knowledge to land every top CIA bureaucrat in the slammer. When Diana finally locates Mars, she realizes that he is her long lost father. Together, the two decide to take revenge on the corrupt members of the CIA who ordered the hit on Mars.
Sure, they say it's a low-budget action movie but they had enough money to rent a goddamn helicopter... and blow shit up... and pay Joe Estevez. I'm guessing he costs a butt-load of money to cast too because he's so selective with his film roles. According to his Wikipedia page he "wants to make movies that make a difference." This is obviously one of those movies.
So I salute you Joe Estevez. Truly you are a difference maker.
Chuck Norris takes on a deadly terrorist training camp (for ninjas) known only as The Octagon in this deadly tale of revenge that pits brother against brother in a classic showdown battle of good vs. evil.
The Meiji Restoration eradicated most of the ninja but it will take Chuck Norris to finish the job.
That's right, back in the '80s before anyone had even heard of al-Qaeda (except for the CIA officers who were giving them money to fight the Soviets) the greatest terrorist threat to America came by way of Japan - in the secret and shadowy form of the ninja! Now Chuck Norris has to fight them and stuff.
And for those who missed it on the interwebs last week, here's Chuck Norris in Chuck Norris starring Chuck Norris.
I have a problem with this title. I mean the movie is called Big Tits Zombie so I was expecting to see at least one zombie with big tits, but this was not the case. The "big tits" must therefore be in reference to the two main characters, Lena (Sola Aoi) and Ginko (Risa Kasumi) who are indeed both well endowed although certainly not to the extent of Russ Meyer's girls, but then if they did have chesticles that size the film would have to be called "Unbelievably Massive Tits Zombie" or something.
Now the original title Kyonyû doragon Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5 is just as misleading. It translates as The Big Tits Dragon: Hot Spring Zombies vs Strippers 5 andthe "zombies vs strippers" part makes absolute sense because that's what the movie is about, but the "big tits dragon" part is even more confusing than "big tits zombie." There are no dragons in the movie at all. However, I think I may know what "dragon" refers to, and I'll get to it in a bit because it's pretty awesome.
I had low expectations when I decided to watch this movie. Japanese girls in short skirts and knee high boots fighting monsters with katanas and chainsaws has become as much of a cliche as old business men sniffing panties or tentacle rape (I love you Japan) so I was expecting another unoriginal, campy bloodbath.
Well it's certainly campy and there is significant arterial spray but Big Tits Zombie turned out to be something I didn't expect - it's actually entertaining.
Adult Video idols Sola Aoi and Risa Kasumi are surprisingly competent as two strippers who must battle a horde of zombies after an academically inclined and uppity dancer friend/enemy or "frenemy" gains control of the undead. You see, there are five burlesque-ish dancers who stumble upon a secret passage in their dressing room which leads to a spooky chamber that contains money and gold and other valuables including the Book of the Dead. The uppity stripper reads from the tome and unknowingly unleashes the minions of cheap special-effects zombies upon Japan. Later she gains control over the undead and uses them as her own personal army, which sucks because she's really self-centered and doesn't use them for the good of humankind. Kind of a wasted opportunity if you ask me. Anyway, it's up to Lena and Ginko to stop the narcissistic bitch.
I don't want to give away too many surprises but the "dragon" part of the original title should probably be explained. Toward the end of the movie, after one of the minor characters changes into one of the undead, she is lying on her back and for some unexplained reason she lifts herself up off the ground like Regan doing the "spider-walk" in The Exorcist, arches her back and shoots fire out of her vagina. The movie's worth watching for that scene alone.
However, it must be said that for a movie with "big tits" in the title and starring two adult film actresses, surprisingly few boobies are actually shown. Because of this, Big Tits Zombie has a fairly low Booby Rating but don't let that discourage you from seeing it. The terrible special effects and lowbrow humor more than make up for it.
Violence Rating: 4 out of 5 Booby Rating: 2 out of 5
