Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Paul Kersey to Kill Again in New DEATH WISH


According to Twitch, a Death Wish reboot has been green-lighted with Joe Carnahan, who just struck box office gold with the Liam Neeson wolf-punching film The Grey, set to write and direct.  I have mixed feelings about this since I'm a huge Charles Bronson fan.  I don't like the idea of remaking or "rebooting" such a great character as Paul Kersey but I'm content in knowing that Joe Carnahan is involved.  Sure it's probably going to suck for the most part, but the guy had Liam Neeson punching wolves with broken bottles so I can't imagine a new Death Wish being completely bad.  This is what he tweeted:
Guys. I’m doing ‘Death Wish.’ But this version is a re-imagining of the book and set in present day Los Angeles. The L.A. of ‘Collateral .’ It’s on buses, cabs, metro trains. I want to show an unseen version of L.A. L.A. on foot. Prowling. Hunting. The vast emptiness of downtown. … Refn did a phenomenal job shooting L.A. It took on a different dimension. That’s the key. … The only role I’m writing in ‘Death Wish’ which will mark the ONE time I’ve ever written exclusively for an actor, will be for @FrankGrillo.
I hope he gets Jeff Goldblum to rape a chick again.


You've Always Been the Caretaker.

BuzzFeed has 39 versions of poster art for Stanley Kubrick's kick-ass 1980 horror film The Shining, and they are all made by fans.  Most of them are better than the original, me thinks.

On a side note, The Shining is the only movie I can think of that was better than the book.






The Shining




Monday, January 30, 2012

Frauleins in Uniform (1973)

Hot acts of wild, unimagined love

As to be expected from this Swiss nazisploitation film, these frauleins spend as much time out of uniform as the do in.  These young, German ladies service their Nazi soldiers in the barracks, against the trees in the forest, in train bathrooms, in fields, in mud, against the walls and in every room of the house during Nazi Party parties...  By the time these fighting men reach the front lines it's amazing they have any energy to fight at all.  Most of the sex isn't even part of the plot development.  It just goes on in the background as the characters walk through a scene as if it's an everyday occurrence and nothing unusual.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining!

Near the end of the Second World War, the numerically superior Russian troops are inflicting heavy losses on the Nazi army and some buxom German blondes and a redhead or two decide that they have an obligation to Hitler and the Fatherland to boost morale by pleasuring the German soldiers.  Of course, they find it impossible to control themselves and end up pleasuring the locals and each other as well.

Because this is a Swiss nazisploitation film, it has some unique qualities and a different overall feel than its Italian produced counterparts.  First of all, the Nazis are not all monsters.  In other films of this genre the Nazi soldiers are depicted as unfeeling, sex-crazed demons who live for nothing other than the pleasures of torture, death and depraved sex-acts.  In Frauleins in Uniform, the Nazis are certainly sex-crazed but not demonic.  This movie is also significantly less gory than the Italian films with a distinctive lack of torture and rape.  There's still rape, just less of it.  Overall I'd say Frauleins in Uniform focuses more on the action of the battlefield and less on the depravity that takes place in secret underground bunkers and laboratories.

One thing that this Swiss incarnation shares with the Italian nazisploitation films is the long hair and bushy sideburns of the Nazis.  So, you know, there's that.

Unlike many, many, many people out there in internet-land, I actually like this movie.  The primary focus is on the girls and their sexual exploits in the first half of the film, which is a good thing, but it started to drag after a bit.  But then the focus shifted to the battlefields (somehow they even had the budget for a tank battle) and I regained interest.  This isn't Band of Brothers or Saving Private Ryan but the combat sequences are surprisingly impressive for an exploitation film.

Watch it for the boobies and '70s bush but don't have too high of expectations for the explosions and action carnage.  They're good for an exploitation film, but they're not actually "good" compared to a modern war film.  Still, the combination of boobs and blood on the battlefield makes an entertaining film.


This is another one of those films with a number of names so if you're looking for a copy you can find it under the titles: Eine Armee Gretchen, Frauleins in Uniform, Fraulein Without a Uniform, SS Cutthroats, The Cutthroats or She Devils of the SS.

Violence Rating: 3 out of 5
Booby Rating: 5 out of 5


"Grizzly Adams did have a beard."


Frauleins in Uniform

Friday, January 27, 2012

Hottest '80s Babe Ever

WorldWideInterweb has posted a gallery of the hottest ladies of the 1980's, but who gives a shit about the others on the list.  Phoebe Cates is the hottest woman ever to walk the earth in any decade, and I will have words with any man who says otherwise.  And for taking sweet, sweet Phoebe away from me, Kevin Kline can eat a dick.

Do I sound extraordinarily angry right now?  That's because a Nickelback song just came on the radio.

If you don't believe how hot Phoebe is even after watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High, watch her in Paradise or this movie...

Private School

Thursday, January 26, 2012

FDR Rides Wheelchair of Death

I have mixed feelings about this new wave of hokey, grindhouse-style films that feature historical figures battling monsters.  It seems like something I should like, but I'm not sure.  I think the concepts for the films are great but perhaps they're best suited to 2 minute trailers, because I have doubts whether they can hold up for an entire 98 minute movie.  Only time will tell.

Like the vampire hunting Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Delano "The New Dealer" Roosevelt takes on a pack of polio-carrying, Nazi werewolves in FDR: American Badass!.  Does his cock still work?  I guess we'll have to wait until the film is released to find out, but no date has been set.

Here's the trailer.  Enjoy.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Human Lanterns (1982)

Human Lanterns
A couple of days ago I thought I'd check out a Shaw Brothers kung-fu movie for Chinese New Year and it turned out to be one of the best kung-fu movies I've ever seen.

Human Lanterns is similar to a Hammer/Shaw collaboration that I reviewed some time ago called The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires in that it combines high flying kung-fu action with elements of horror.  However, unlike Hammer's contribution to the martial arts genre which basically substituted zombie-vampire things for Chinese guys, threw in a cliche Dracula for good measure and called it "horror," Human Lanterns is actually dark, gritty and bloody.  Both films do have naked breasteses which is always a good thing, though not in great measure.

I know Beasts in Human Skin is supposed to be all about the boobies and blood but before I get to that I have to mention how amazing, intricate and elaborate the set designs are in this movie.  It blew my freakin' mind!  The fight choreography is excellent, as well.  Ok, on to the story.

Two upper-class asses from rival families are constantly trying to out-do each other to gain the admiration of the local villagers.  Each tries to be the best at everything no matter the cost.  When the Lantern Festival approaches, Master Lung knows he must display a lantern which is better than his rival Master Tan's or risk losing face among the villagers.  He approaches a lantern maker he has employed in the past but is told that the most skillful lantern maker is an unapproachable recluse who does not wish to be known.  After some money changes hands, the lantern maker gives up the name of this hermit artisan and Master Lung seeks him out in the wilderness.  When he finds the hidden workshop, he realizes that this great artist is actually an old enemy who had gone into isolation after getting mushroom-stamped with the pointy part of a sword during a duel with the arrogant aristocrat years before.  The woman they fought over is now Master Lung's wife.

I don't want to give everything away, but by the movie's title it should be fairly obvious what's going to happen.  The dirty and reclusive lantern maker agrees to make the finest lanterns ever made as long as Master Lung doesn't return until the lanterns are completed.  Of course, Lung doesn't know they are going to be made out of human skin.

Soon women close to Lung and Tan begin to disappear as the crazy hermit kidnaps them and skins them alive as a way to play both aristocrats against each other and get his revenge against Lung for stealing his woman and shaming him with his steel phallus.  The two arrogant upper-class asses are forced to work together to take on this madman before he can kill any more women.  Ironically, he inflicts suffering and death to create lanterns in the likeness of Kwan Yin, the bodhisattva of compassion, and other Buddhist saints/deities.  He really does make some fine lady-skin lanterns, though.

As I mentioned, this is one of the best kung-fu movies I've seen.  The plot is simple but dark and entertaining, the fighting and sets are outstanding, and the pace of the movie doesn't allow for boredom.  The wire-work is hokey at times but that's to be expected from a Shaw Brothers film or any kung-fu film, and I wouldn't regard that as a negative.  I was surprised by the amount of blood and gore, and how nasty the torture scenes were, but I was disappointed by the limited amount of nudity.  Still, even with the low Booby Rating, this is an awesome movie.

Happy Chinese New Year!

Violence Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Booby Rating : 2 out of 5


Monday, January 23, 2012

Strip Nude For Your Killer (1975)

Strip Nude for Your Killer
This movie is a winner.  It starts with an abortion and ends with an anal sex joke.  It also stars one of the future Girls of Grindhouse Edwige Fenech and she gets naked.  A lot.  In fact, all the lovely ladies in this film are pretty much naked all the time, until they get killed that is.  Then they just lie there on the ground, all naked and bloody with blood on their naked, bloody bodies.  Naked. 

Andrea Bianchi's 1975 giallo Strip Nude for Your Killer really is a pretty damn good movie.  It doesn't have much in the way of plot, but it makes more sense than most gialli that rely on style over story.  This movie's story is thin but at least it's coherent.

During a failed abortion in a back alley clinic, a fashion model dies in the stirrups from cardiac arrest.  The doctor and an unknown accomplice take the woman's corpse back to her apartment and put her in the bathtub to make it look like she died there of natural causes.  Soon after, the doctor is murdered.


A sleazy, womanizing photographer named Carlo works for the same agency as the dead model.   As a way to get women in the sack, he brings them to the agency with promises of fame and fortune in the pages of the world's most glamorous fashion magazines.  After successfully seducing a voluptuous redhead (Femi Benussi) and adding her to the agency's roster, she is murdered, which is unfortunate because she liked to walk around naked a lot.

Then other models and those associated with the agency also begin dying at the hands of an unknown killer who wears a motorcycle suit and helmet, and likes to get all stabby with a switchblade.  Who could be committing these heinous murders?  What reason could this person have?  How could such a slimy, little man get with such beautiful women?  Trust me, the reason for the murders and the revelation of killer's identity won't blow your mind, but it's a fun ride getting to that point.

"That's-a spicy meat ball-a!"
Strip Nude for Your Killer is unique as a giallo in that it doesn't take itself too seriously.  In fact, it often seems that the murder-mystery aspect of the film takes a backseat the tongue-in-cheek, misogynist, Italian sex jokes.  I imagine some will find this annoying but others will find it refreshing.  I'm in the latter camp. 

If a campy and sleazy, yet bloody Italian murder-mystery doesn't appeal to you, I still recommend watching this film because Edwige Fenech is in it, she gets naked and she is freakin' hot.

Violence Rating/Index: 3.5 out of 5
Booby Rating/Index: 4.5 out of 5




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Strip Nude for Your Killer

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