Vampire Hookers (1978) Review

Warm Blood Isn't All They Suck!

Around this time of year, a lot of "top 5" and "top 10" lists of the best/scariest Halloween movies of all time pop up on this series of tubes that Al Gore invented called "the internet."  Most of them are retarded.  However some horror bloggers and writers who actually know what the hell they are talking about list the best underrated horror movies of all time, and these lists I do like.

I'm glad to see movies like Frailty, In the Mouth of Madness, Session 9, and Dog Soldiers show up on these underrated horror lists but there are a few movies that I feel are still neglected, and so I thought of doing my own "top 5 underrated Halloween horror movies list" and include films like Dagon, Cemetery Man a.k.a. Dellamorte Dellamore and Nightmares in a Damaged Brain.  But that sounds like a lot of work so fuck it, here's a review of Vampire Hookers.

It seems to me that this movie is essentially a way to show a 10 minute orgy with a sailor and three lonely vampiresses, and there's really nothing wrong with that, especially since all three of these ladies of the night are damn fine... even though they have tan lines for some reason.  But if you're looking for things like thrills and humor and plot, you may wish to look elsewhere.  It's a horror/comedy that isn't particularly scary or funny.  And the sex scene is pretty tame.

Three American sailors get shore leave in the Philippines and shenanigans ensue.   Two of these... Gaijin?  Gweilo?  What the hell do they call white guys in the Philippines?  Two of these guys are new to the islands and eat strange Filipino food, fight some locals and get involved with some trannies while they're looking for some hookers for the night.  Hilarious!

So eventually they find a woman who is willing to exchange sexual intercourse for money and she takes the Chief Petty Officer to a graveyard where it turns out she's a vampire hooker in the service of a vampire pimp who's played by John Carradine and who constantly recites poetry and isn't scary or funny.  Three of these vampire hookers lure unsuspecting men to their lair in the cemetery where these "johns" become nourishment for these undead creatures and their buffoon of a companion who wants desperately to be a vampire and is played by veteran exploitation actor Vic Diaz.  He isn't funny either but he gets an E for effort.  That's pretty much it.  The two other sailors find out where the CPO went and what happened to him and they try to avoid becoming the next victims of John Carradine and his vampire hookers.

If you like watching people ride in taxis, men in sailor uniforms, shitty slapstick or flatulence humor then you might like Vampire Hookers.  The boobies are good but there isn't a whole lot of them. 

Violence Rating: 2 out of 5
Booby Rating: 2.5 out of 5

Other than the boobies, the best part of the movie is the catchy little tune played during the end credits.  And here it is.

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp (2011) Trailer

Heaven is for everyone, Except you. 

It's 1984 and a group of young, horny, out of control Christians led by Father Cummings (Reggie Bannister) are spending a fun-filled weekend at the Happy Day Bible Camp. All ignore the warnings from the local folk of the grizzly murders that took place years prior by a crazy nun. Is Sister Mary Chopper (Tim Sullivan) dead or is she just waiting for backsliding Christians to commit sins of the unholy, and will Jesus (Ron Jeremy) need to lend a hand to save the day?

Get it at TLACult

This movie reminds me of Porkchop (2010) which isn't a bad thing because I really liked that movie, but instead of some crazy hillbilly with a pig mask and chainsaw, there's an axe-wielding nun killing teenagers in the woods.  It looks both campy and bloody which are good things, and I also hear that there's gratuitous nudity and gratuitous nudity is the best kind of nudity.  The one thing that I don't like about this movie (I'm guessing there's only one thing because I haven't seen it yet) is the inclusion of Ron Jeremy.  I don't care that a former porn star is playing Jesus (irony!), it's just that I don't like the guy.

Also there should be more religion/nun puns in that description.  Something like: Sister Mary Chopper has a confession to make, she has developed the unholy habit of killing those who cross her.   Are these teenagers next to be baptized in blood or will the weight of her sins finally bring this sadistic sister to her knees?!  There.  Perfect.

Succubus (1968) Review

The sensual experience of '69

I thought this movie was a festering pile of shit until the last 30 seconds.  Then I completely changed my mind.

A lot of these Euro-horror films from the '60s and '70s emphasize style over substance to the point of a complete lack of cohesion or even a basic plot.  Sure, they look pretty but nobody has a freakin' clue what's going on because there isn't a coherent storyline.  I thought Succubus was one of these because it seemed to meander all over the damned place and nothing was explained.  It just seemed to be a collection of dream-like, disjointed scenes but then (almost) everything was wrapped up in the end and I understood why the film was so surreal, ambiguous and confusing: because our confusion mirrored that of the protagonist.  The audience experienced her bewilderment for the duration of the film and only realized what the hell was happening to her at the same time that she did.  And to that I say, "Bravo, Mr. Franco.  Bravo."

The story revolves around Lorna (Janine Reynaud), an S&M performer at an upscale nightclub who finds herself in a bizarre and sometimes hazy world of dwarves, bondage and torture, mannequin fornication and murder.   Everyone around her seems to turn up dead and she isn't sure if she is dreaming the whole thing or is actually a temptress who seduces and then kills her lovers.  Or perhaps she is just losing her mind.

Please don't misunderstand me.  I do think the film is a good one and perhaps one of the best of Franco's that I've seen, but it's far from perfect.  I like the fact that it's not just topless female prison guards flogging topless female inmates like so many of  Franco's later movies.  It's not just pointless sex and violence, although obviously I do appreciate films with copious amounts of both, but I also like films that are unique and clever and Succubus does challenge the audience to think.  Not everything makes perfect sense and not everything is profound but the surreal, abstract imagery and shrouded plot do require some cerebral activity from the viewer. It does have a decent amount of nudity, which of course is a good thing, although all of it is from Janine Reynaud who was already getting a little long in the tooth when she started acting. But the biggest gripe I have with Succubus is how slowly things develop. Some may describe it as "leisurely paced" but I prefer to call it painfully slow.  It's so goddamn slow that if the story didn't come together in the end like it did, I'd still be calling this film a festering pile of shit.

With some reviews I recommend partaking of a generous amount of drink to get the most enjoyment out of the film, with Succubus I think the film would make the most sense if you were trippin' balls.

Violence Rating:  2.5 out of 5
Booby Rating:  2.5 out of 5

The trailer is in Spanish which just makes it more erótico.