Vampire Hookers (1978) Review

Warm Blood Isn't All They Suck!

Around this time of year, a lot of "top 5" and "top 10" lists of the best/scariest Halloween movies of all time pop up on this series of tubes that Al Gore invented called "the internet."  Most of them are retarded.  However some horror bloggers and writers who actually know what the hell they are talking about list the best underrated horror movies of all time, and these lists I do like.

I'm glad to see movies like Frailty, In the Mouth of Madness, Session 9, and Dog Soldiers show up on these underrated horror lists but there are a few movies that I feel are still neglected, and so I thought of doing my own "top 5 underrated Halloween horror movies list" and include films like Dagon, Cemetery Man a.k.a. Dellamorte Dellamore and Nightmares in a Damaged Brain.  But that sounds like a lot of work so fuck it, here's a review of Vampire Hookers.

It seems to me that this movie is essentially a way to show a 10 minute orgy with a sailor and three lonely vampiresses, and there's really nothing wrong with that, especially since all three of these ladies of the night are damn fine... even though they have tan lines for some reason.  But if you're looking for things like thrills and humor and plot, you may wish to look elsewhere.  It's a horror/comedy that isn't particularly scary or funny.  And the sex scene is pretty tame.

Three American sailors get shore leave in the Philippines and shenanigans ensue.   Two of these... Gaijin?  Gweilo?  What the hell do they call white guys in the Philippines?  Two of these guys are new to the islands and eat strange Filipino food, fight some locals and get involved with some trannies while they're looking for some hookers for the night.  Hilarious!

So eventually they find a woman who is willing to exchange sexual intercourse for money and she takes the Chief Petty Officer to a graveyard where it turns out she's a vampire hooker in the service of a vampire pimp who's played by John Carradine and who constantly recites poetry and isn't scary or funny.  Three of these vampire hookers lure unsuspecting men to their lair in the cemetery where these "johns" become nourishment for these undead creatures and their buffoon of a companion who wants desperately to be a vampire and is played by veteran exploitation actor Vic Diaz.  He isn't funny either but he gets an E for effort.  That's pretty much it.  The two other sailors find out where the CPO went and what happened to him and they try to avoid becoming the next victims of John Carradine and his vampire hookers.

If you like watching people ride in taxis, men in sailor uniforms, shitty slapstick or flatulence humor then you might like Vampire Hookers.  The boobies are good but there isn't a whole lot of them. 

Violence Rating: 2 out of 5
Booby Rating: 2.5 out of 5

Other than the boobies, the best part of the movie is the catchy little tune played during the end credits.  And here it is.

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp (2011) Trailer

Heaven is for everyone, Except you. 

It's 1984 and a group of young, horny, out of control Christians led by Father Cummings (Reggie Bannister) are spending a fun-filled weekend at the Happy Day Bible Camp. All ignore the warnings from the local folk of the grizzly murders that took place years prior by a crazy nun. Is Sister Mary Chopper (Tim Sullivan) dead or is she just waiting for backsliding Christians to commit sins of the unholy, and will Jesus (Ron Jeremy) need to lend a hand to save the day?

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This movie reminds me of Porkchop (2010) which isn't a bad thing because I really liked that movie, but instead of some crazy hillbilly with a pig mask and chainsaw, there's an axe-wielding nun killing teenagers in the woods.  It looks both campy and bloody which are good things, and I also hear that there's gratuitous nudity and gratuitous nudity is the best kind of nudity.  The one thing that I don't like about this movie (I'm guessing there's only one thing because I haven't seen it yet) is the inclusion of Ron Jeremy.  I don't care that a former porn star is playing Jesus (irony!), it's just that I don't like the guy.

Also there should be more religion/nun puns in that description.  Something like: Sister Mary Chopper has a confession to make, she has developed the unholy habit of killing those who cross her.   Are these teenagers next to be baptized in blood or will the weight of her sins finally bring this sadistic sister to her knees?!  There.  Perfect.

Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot (2011) Trailer

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Big Tits Zombie (2010) Review

The Boobs To Die For.

I have a problem with this title.  I mean the movie is called Big Tits Zombie so I was expecting to see at least one zombie with big tits, but this was not the case.  The "big tits" must therefore be in reference to the two main characters, Lena (Sola Aoi) and Ginko (Risa Kasumi) who are indeed both well endowed although certainly not to the extent of Russ Meyer's girls, but then if they did have chesticles that size the film would have to be called "Unbelievably Massive Tits Zombie" or something.

Now the original title Kyonyû doragon Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5 is just as misleading.  It translates as The Big Tits Dragon: Hot Spring Zombies vs Strippers 5 and the "zombies vs strippers" part makes absolute sense because that's what the movie is about, but the "big tits dragon" part is even more confusing than "big tits zombie."  There are no dragons in the movie at all.  However, I think I may know what "dragon" refers to, and I'll get to it in a bit because it's pretty awesome.

I had low expectations when I decided to watch this movie.  Japanese girls in short skirts and knee high boots fighting monsters with katanas and chainsaws has become as much of a cliche as old business men sniffing panties or tentacle rape (I love you Japan) so I was expecting another unoriginal, campy bloodbath.

Well it's certainly campy and there is significant arterial spray but Big Tits Zombie turned out to be something I didn't expect - it's actually entertaining.  

Adult Video idols Sola Aoi and Risa Kasumi are surprisingly competent as two strippers who must battle a horde of zombies after an academically inclined and uppity dancer friend/enemy or "frenemy" gains control of the undead.  You see, there are five burlesque-ish dancers who stumble upon a secret passage in their dressing room which leads to a spooky chamber that contains money and gold and other valuables including the Book of the Dead.  The uppity stripper reads from the tome and unknowingly unleashes the minions of cheap special-effects zombies upon Japan.  Later she gains control over the undead and uses them as her own personal army, which sucks because she's really self-centered and doesn't use them for the good of humankind.  Kind of a wasted opportunity if you ask me.  Anyway, it's up to Lena and Ginko to stop the narcissistic bitch.

I don't want to give away too many surprises but the "dragon" part of the original title should probably be explained.  Toward the end of the movie, after one of the minor characters changes into one of the undead, she is lying on her back and for some unexplained reason she lifts herself up off the ground like Regan doing the "spider-walk" in The Exorcist, arches her back and shoots fire out of her vagina.  The movie's worth watching for that scene alone.

However, it must be said that for a movie with "big tits" in the title and starring two adult film actresses, surprisingly few boobies are actually shown.  Because of this, Big Tits Zombie has a fairly low Booby Rating but don't let that discourage you from seeing it.  The terrible special effects and lowbrow humor more than make up for it.

Violence Rating:  4 out of 5
Booby Rating:  2 out of 5

 

Get it at TLACult