Gloria Guida In Stockings

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The Beast in Space (1980) Trailer

Space sex, beast rape and Uranus milk. 

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Nude For Satan (1974)

I heard that this movie was such a failure when it was originally released in Italy back in 1974 that they kept it under lock and key even when all of the Eurosleaze was being re-released on VHS in the '80s and 90s.  It wasn't until fairly recently that it finally came out on DVD and in my opinion, it could have stayed in the vault.  Is that too harsh?  Well, perhaps.

The problem I had with Nude for Satan is that it's too damn slow, and not just slow but excruciatingly so.  Don't get me wrong, many of my favorite films are paced quite slowly because that's how suspense it built but this film is just... not... good.  It's like director Luigi Batzella tried very hard to make this into a Joe D'Amato or Jess Franco erotic horror clone but failed.  It has the nudity, and Gothic atmosphere and stupid, simple plot like Franco and D'Amato films but it just doesn't come together.

The camera work is laughable at times and distracts from what little plot there is, and the special effects are absolutely atrocious.  But I actually like the terrible special effects.  There is a giant spider that is so horribly constructed that it has to be seen to be believed.  It looks like a drunk five year old made it out of paper mache and pipe cleaners or something, and when our protagonist Dr. Benson (Stelio Candelli) frantically rushes/saunters into the room to save our heroine Susan (Rita Calderoni) by shooting it off her chest, the fog machines are clearly visible which makes it look like things are exploding inside the room.  Like I said, these things I actually like.  They add character to the film but the constant panning and tilting of the camera angered up my blood.

"Allow me to explain through interpretive dance."

So the story begins with the good doctor speeding to an emergency house-call in the country when he comes upon an accident in the road.  I guess it's an accident.  There's a woman (Susan) in a perfectly fine automobile on the side of the road.  Dr. Benson promises to go find help and discovers a scary, old mansion so he goes and knocks on the door.  Inside is a crazy, laughing, toothless man and some people getting it on, and a woman who looks exactly like the woman who was in the accident.  The strange thing (as if the other things aren't strange) is that she keeps calling him Peter and tells him that she has been waiting for him.  Weird.  Later Susan does show up at the mansion and meets a guy who looks just like Dr. Benson but who insists on calling her Evelyn.  Also weird.

There's also a guy in the house who looks like he stole Bela Lugosi's Dracula costume, and I guess this guy is supposed to be the Devil which doesn't make any sense because he performs Satanic rituals and calls on demons to do his bidding.  And so Dr. Benson wanders around the estate and looks confused for 82 minutes and Susan spends half the movie with her boob hanging out as they try to figure out what's going on in this twisted house which serves as a metaphor for their own twisted psyches.  Deep stuff right there. 

There are a couple of reasons to watch this movie.  Obviously there's the nudity and there's quite a bit of it.  Boobs and bush are everywhere and there's even a Gothic interpretive-dance sequence that turns into an orgy.  There's also an uncut version where some hardcore scenes are added to the softcore stuff but I haven't seen it.  Also Nude For Satan might be worth seeing just because it's an example of the low budget sexploitation horror that came out of Italy in the mid '70s.  It has historical value!  But if you are looking for a good movie, this isn't it.  If you're looking for a so-bad-it's-good movie this might fit the bill, but for me this movie isn't all bad but it's not exactly good either.  It could have stayed in the vault and I wouldn't have cared.

Violence Rating:  3 out of 5
Booby Rating:  5 out of 5

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Erotic Nights of the Living Dead (1980)

There are essentially three reasons to watch this movie.  First of all, this is the first movie to be reviewed that scores a 5+ on the Beasts in Human Skin Booby Rating/Index which means it shows a bit of the old in-out, in-out.  The second reason involves a frumpy stripper and a champagne bottle up her vajayjay, and the third reason is because Laura Gemser bites off a guy's willy.

If you haven't guessed already, this is a Joe D'Amato film which means half the film is going to be horror and the other half is going to be a kind of soft, hardcore-ish porn and that's what Erotic Nights of the Living Dead a.k.a. Sexy Nights of the Living Dead is.  Mr. D'Amato was very good at making a buck by taking a theme that was popular in American theaters and adding a lot of softcore scenes with the occasional penetration and BJ shot to it.  In this case, the theme is zombies.

The first half of the film is character introduction, I guess.  This is where most of the "erotic" scenes take place and it is boring as hell, but I suppose it's interesting enough for its historical value because it shows a time when people didn't shave their neither regions before mashing them against one another on camera.  Hairy mustachioed men get it on with hairy, unkempt women.  Two of the ladies are quite lovely in this film and I have no complaints about them prancing around unclothed on screen.  They would be Dirce Funari and of course, Laura Gemser.  Unfortunately we don't get to see Miss Gemser in any hardcore scenes in Erotic Nights of the Living Dead or any film as far as I know.  I think she always used a body double for the really naughty shots.

"Hi. I'm a frumpy stripper and I'll be your sommelier for the evening."

One of the things this movie in known for is the "champagne scene" but even that proved to be anticlimactic.  A stripper gives our protagonist played by George Eastman (who somehow manages to have sex several time during the film through his jeans) is given one of the lamest strip-shows I've ever seen by one of the local girls before she finally straddles a champagne bottle and uncorks it inside of her.  It's a great idea but ultimately it comes off a bit flat.

Eventually Mr. D'Amato gets around to telling a story; a story about zombies on a deserted island, and this is where the movie gets better.  It isn't much of a story,  just enough to get some zombies on screen to break up the monotony of boobies and bush.

An arrogant American business man has the idea to commercialize a small tropical island that the locals say is cursed.  He pays a sailor to take him and his salaried girlfriend to this "Cat Island" where they discover that the legends are true and that the living dead rise to feed on those who invade the island paradise.  Also, Laura Gemser bites off the guy's penis.

This movie reminded me of two others: Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2, which is a much superior film and has a zombie fighting a shark, and one of Joe D'Amato's other island horror movies, Anthropophagus: The Grim Reaper which came out the same year as this one.  So if you want to see a similar film without all of the soapy handjobs and hairy genitalia, watch one of those.  If you want to see a fairly decent zombie film with some boring hardcore scenes, check out Erotic Nights of the Living Dead.  Just make sure you get the unrated version.

Violence Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Booby Rating : 5+

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If you want to see some hot zombie on zombie action, check out the Night of the Giving Head/I Can't Believe I Fucked a Zombie double feature.