Big Tits Zombie (2010) Review

The Boobs To Die For.

I have a problem with this title.  I mean the movie is called Big Tits Zombie so I was expecting to see at least one zombie with big tits, but this was not the case.  The "big tits" must therefore be in reference to the two main characters, Lena (Sola Aoi) and Ginko (Risa Kasumi) who are indeed both well endowed although certainly not to the extent of Russ Meyer's girls, but then if they did have chesticles that size the film would have to be called "Unbelievably Massive Tits Zombie" or something.

Now the original title Kyonyû doragon Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5 is just as misleading.  It translates as The Big Tits Dragon: Hot Spring Zombies vs Strippers 5 and the "zombies vs strippers" part makes absolute sense because that's what the movie is about, but the "big tits dragon" part is even more confusing than "big tits zombie."  There are no dragons in the movie at all.  However, I think I may know what "dragon" refers to, and I'll get to it in a bit because it's pretty awesome.

I had low expectations when I decided to watch this movie.  Japanese girls in short skirts and knee high boots fighting monsters with katanas and chainsaws has become as much of a cliche as old business men sniffing panties or tentacle rape (I love you Japan) so I was expecting another unoriginal, campy bloodbath.

Well it's certainly campy and there is significant arterial spray but Big Tits Zombie turned out to be something I didn't expect - it's actually entertaining.  

Adult Video idols Sola Aoi and Risa Kasumi are surprisingly competent as two strippers who must battle a horde of zombies after an academically inclined and uppity dancer friend/enemy or "frenemy" gains control of the undead.  You see, there are five burlesque-ish dancers who stumble upon a secret passage in their dressing room which leads to a spooky chamber that contains money and gold and other valuables including the Book of the Dead.  The uppity stripper reads from the tome and unknowingly unleashes the minions of cheap special-effects zombies upon Japan.  Later she gains control over the undead and uses them as her own personal army, which sucks because she's really self-centered and doesn't use them for the good of humankind.  Kind of a wasted opportunity if you ask me.  Anyway, it's up to Lena and Ginko to stop the narcissistic bitch.

I don't want to give away too many surprises but the "dragon" part of the original title should probably be explained.  Toward the end of the movie, after one of the minor characters changes into one of the undead, she is lying on her back and for some unexplained reason she lifts herself up off the ground like Regan doing the "spider-walk" in The Exorcist, arches her back and shoots fire out of her vagina.  The movie's worth watching for that scene alone.

However, it must be said that for a movie with "big tits" in the title and starring two adult film actresses, surprisingly few boobies are actually shown.  Because of this, Big Tits Zombie has a fairly low Booby Rating but don't let that discourage you from seeing it.  The terrible special effects and lowbrow humor more than make up for it.

Violence Rating:  4 out of 5
Booby Rating:  2 out of 5

 

Get it at TLACult

Psychomania (1973) Trailer

Ride with the Living Dead!

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Or watch "the greatest British zombie biker movie ever made" at VeeHD 

Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985)

Who Will Survive the Terror!

Erotic Nights of the Living Dead (1980)

There are essentially three reasons to watch this movie.  First of all, this is the first movie to be reviewed that scores a 5+ on the Beasts in Human Skin Booby Rating/Index which means it shows a bit of the old in-out, in-out.  The second reason involves a frumpy stripper and a champagne bottle up her vajayjay, and the third reason is because Laura Gemser bites off a guy's willy.

If you haven't guessed already, this is a Joe D'Amato film which means half the film is going to be horror and the other half is going to be a kind of soft, hardcore-ish porn and that's what Erotic Nights of the Living Dead a.k.a. Sexy Nights of the Living Dead is.  Mr. D'Amato was very good at making a buck by taking a theme that was popular in American theaters and adding a lot of softcore scenes with the occasional penetration and BJ shot to it.  In this case, the theme is zombies.

The first half of the film is character introduction, I guess.  This is where most of the "erotic" scenes take place and it is boring as hell, but I suppose it's interesting enough for its historical value because it shows a time when people didn't shave their neither regions before mashing them against one another on camera.  Hairy mustachioed men get it on with hairy, unkempt women.  Two of the ladies are quite lovely in this film and I have no complaints about them prancing around unclothed on screen.  They would be Dirce Funari and of course, Laura Gemser.  Unfortunately we don't get to see Miss Gemser in any hardcore scenes in Erotic Nights of the Living Dead or any film as far as I know.  I think she always used a body double for the really naughty shots.

"Hi. I'm a frumpy stripper and I'll be your sommelier for the evening."

One of the things this movie in known for is the "champagne scene" but even that proved to be anticlimactic.  A stripper gives our protagonist played by George Eastman (who somehow manages to have sex several time during the film through his jeans) is given one of the lamest strip-shows I've ever seen by one of the local girls before she finally straddles a champagne bottle and uncorks it inside of her.  It's a great idea but ultimately it comes off a bit flat.

Eventually Mr. D'Amato gets around to telling a story; a story about zombies on a deserted island, and this is where the movie gets better.  It isn't much of a story,  just enough to get some zombies on screen to break up the monotony of boobies and bush.

An arrogant American business man has the idea to commercialize a small tropical island that the locals say is cursed.  He pays a sailor to take him and his salaried girlfriend to this "Cat Island" where they discover that the legends are true and that the living dead rise to feed on those who invade the island paradise.  Also, Laura Gemser bites off the guy's penis.

This movie reminded me of two others: Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2, which is a much superior film and has a zombie fighting a shark, and one of Joe D'Amato's other island horror movies, Anthropophagus: The Grim Reaper which came out the same year as this one.  So if you want to see a similar film without all of the soapy handjobs and hairy genitalia, watch one of those.  If you want to see a fairly decent zombie film with some boring hardcore scenes, check out Erotic Nights of the Living Dead.  Just make sure you get the unrated version.

Violence Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Booby Rating : 5+

Get it at TLACult

If you want to see some hot zombie on zombie action, check out the Night of the Giving Head/I Can't Believe I Fucked a Zombie double feature.

Japanese Shit Show ZOMBIE ASS: TOILET OF THE DEAD Drops This Month

This is just a friendly reminder that the Japanese poop and zombie movie Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead is scheduled to be released at the end of this month (in Japan).  And surprise!  It has schoolgirls and karate!  Who knows when this is coming to North America.  Soon, I hope.

If you haven't heard of this brown gem yet, you're in luck because I have a synopsis and the trailer for you:

We are going to flush you! The most crap-tastic zombie movie ever to emerge from Japan's cinema sewer is finally upon us, and it's from the twisted mind of cinematic madman and legendary ass- fetishist Noboru Iguchi, creator of THE MACHINE GIRL, ROBO-GEISHA and KARATE-ROBO ZABORGAR! Given free reign by a generous, independent producer to plumb the depths of his toilet-obsessed imagination, Iguchi has created a splatter comedy guaranteed to warm the bowels of those with the stomach for it...while more sensitive viewers may want to plug their noses and flee in disgust! Wracked with guilt over the suicide of her sister Ai, who was tormented by high school bullies, pretty young karate student Megumi accompanies a group of older friends on a trip into the woods: smart girl Aya, her druggie boyfriend Tak, big-boobed model Maki, and nerdy Naoi. Things start to go badly when Maki finds a parasitical worm inside a fish they catch - and wolfs it down alive, in the hope that it'll help keep her skinny!  

And then....zombies! The group is attacked by a crowd of poop-covered undead who emerge from an outhouse toilet, and seek refuge at the home of strange Dr. Tanaka and his daughter Sachi. But unbeknownst to them, Tanaka has been conducting experiments on the parasites--and the zombies!--and has another fate in mind for the five strangers from the city. What's the connection between the parasites and the undead? And can Megumi's karate alone help them escape, or will she have to rely on the liberating power of farts to save the day? Featuring special effects by Fantastic Fest 2009-2010 guest Yoshihiro Nishimura, and some truly jaw- dropping contributions from Iguchi's genius subconscious (parasite anus-zombies?!?), ZOMBIE ASS is a heaping helping of bad taste that may go down rough but is guaranteed to come out smooth and regular.

If you want to see more poop-monster action, check out Zoltan's review of Monsturd (2003).

The Grapes of Death (1978)

When the Wine Flows, the Terror Begins...

The Grapes of Death

Another zombie movie.  I mean another "infected people" movie.  I've seen The Grapes of Death in the past and it didn't blow my skirt up so I decided to watch it again to see if my opinion of it had changed.  Nope.  It's still not one of my favorite "zombie" films.  It's strange though because while I'm watching the movie, it actually seems like a pretty decent film and then later when I think of it, I remember it sucking.  So there you have it.  It's a good film while you're watching it.

Pesticides used on a vineyard are turning people who drink the wine made from these grapes into zombies.  (That was a pretty awkward sentence but I don't care.)  They aren't really zombies because they're still alive and don't eat people but their flesh oozes and falls off and they get really angry and kill non-infected people.

And so, a young woman named Elizabeth and her friend are traveling by train to this small French village when they are accosted by one of these infected.  The friend is killed and Elizabeth desperately runs across the countryside in search of safety and to find her boyfriend who lives in the village.  Her world becomes a nightmare as the non-infected are just as disturbing as the infected.  Life sucks for Elizabeth.

"Gimme' head till I'm dead."

What this film does have going for it is Brigitte Lahaie who will certainly be one of the future Girls of Grindhouse here on Beasts in Human Skin.  She does have a nude scene although it is quite brief.  That's another thing.  Since The Grapes of Death was directed by Jean Rollin and features adult film star Brigitte Lahaie, I was expecting a lot more nudity.  Oh well.


Violence Rating:  3.5ish or maybe 4 out of 5
Booby Rating:  2.5 out of 5

Get the Unrated Special Edition

The Grapes of Death 

at TLACult