Who Wants to See Elisabeth Shue Get Naked With a Monkey?

Ok, really he's an orangutan and not a monkey and I know he's supposed to be creepy as he stares at Elisabeth Shue's naked nakedness, but he just looks sad.  Maybe that's because his handler is making him be in such a terrible '80s horror movie, or maybe he'd just rather be in a German bestiality brothel.  And if you're wondering what this crappy movie is, it's Link from 1986.


Via Everything Is Terrible!

* Also, that's a body double and not Elisabeth Shue.

The Difference Between Vampire Movies from the 70s and 80s

I think I've noticed some subtle differences between vampire movies from the 1970s and 1980s.  As a comparison, I'm posting a video from one of my favorite Hammer Horror vampire movies from the 1970s, Twins of Evil (because Peter Cushing's performance is outstanding and the Collinson twins are so goddamn hot), and also one from Joel Shumacher's The Lost Boys (1987).  So let me know if these differences are really there or if I'm just imagining things.

If you'd like, you can even watch Twins of Evil at the YouTube Grindhouse Theatre; a new feature here on Beasts in Human Skin where you can see exploitation and cult films in their entirety for free because somebody said, "Hey!  Fuck you copyright restrictions!" and posted them on YouTube.  I'll continue to add new ones as I find them.




 First, here's Twins of Evil (1971):



And now The Lost Boys (1987):

What if the Muppets Made a Version of The Wicker Man?

Well, it would be creepy as fuck and look like this...




The Wicker Man (1973)

Vampire Circus (1972)

Human fangs ripping throats - no sawdust can soak up the torrent of blood!

You know the saying: Back in my day vampires sucked blood not cock? Well I'm not sure if that's necessarily true if "your day" was back in 1972, because Vampire Circus continues the Hammer tradition of frilly-shirt wearing, limp-wristed English dandies as incarnations of the lords of the undead.

Don't get me wrong, Hammer vampires aren't all like this.  Christopher Lee's portrayal of a sophisticated yet carnal Count Dracula gives the impression that he'd just as soon dry-fist the ladies as suck their blood...  Or do both at the same time, because he was convincing as the embodiment of evil.  Lee's Dracula enjoyed inflicting pain for his own personal gain and that came across on screen.  These other Hammer vampires like Robert Tayman and Anthony Higgins in Vampire Circus and Damien Thomas's Count Karnstein in Twins of Evil prance around and make pouty, scowly faces and we're supposed to believe they're personifications of pure evil.  I'm not convinced.  And after having said that one might think that Vampire Circus is complete shite, but that's not the case at all.

A little village in Eastern Europe thought it had eradicated its vampire problem after an angry mob stormed the castle of the bloodsucking Count Mitterhaus, drove a stake through his heart and burned his home to the ground.  For you see, this fiendish nobleman had been abducting the town's women and little girls, giving them some of his fluid and then draining them of theirs.  But before he succumbed to the piece of wood buried in his chest, he cursed the town with a plague and vowed he would return and take the lives of the town's children someday.

"Someday" comes 15 years later when a traveling circus manages to break through the quarantine and set up shop in the village.  The performers in this traveling show have supernatural powers like the ability to shape-shift and jump really high, and they use these abilities to manipulate the townsfolk to do their bidding and by "do their bidding" I mean have sex and then die, or sometimes just die without the sex part first.  And so, these evil circus performers use the blood of the village children that they are secretly slaughtering to raise Count Mitterhaus back to "life" or whatever you call it when undead vampires come back after being staked through the heart.

Vampire Circus certainly has the feel and atmosphere of a Hammer horror film but it also has more gore and significantly more boobage than one would expect from Hammer, and the quality of said boobage is excellent.  Of course, I think this is a good thing and it's too bad Hammer Studios didn't have the opportunity incorporate more blood and boobies into their films before they were forced to stop making movies because of financial difficulties.

Overall, I do like this movie quite a bit and except for Robert Tayman's portrayal of Count Mitterhaus I can't think of any significant faults in this film.  Not that my opinion really matters anyway, or that I'm competent enough to find faults in a film.  I guess what I'm saying is, Robert Tayman's role as the Count is the only part of this movie that bothered me.  The rest is good.

Wait!  I thought of something else that bothered me.  Lynne Frederick, the hottest actress in the film, never gets naked.

Violence Rating: 3 out of 5
Booby Rating: 2.5 out of 5

Get it at TLACult

Phoebe Cates Friday

It's Friday so that's a perfect excuse to post a picture and nude video of my favorite '80s starlet, Phoebe Cates.

Most people know her from Fast Times at Ridgemont High where she emerges dripping wet from a swimming pool and removes her red bikini top in slow motion before making out with Judge Reinhold during his masturbation fantasy.  And that's the video I posted, but she first gave me a raging, tiny, prepubescent softy when I saw her in Gremlins back in the day.  It was only later that I found out that she was all kinds of naked in a couple of other films, and my heart and little willy leapt with gladness.


So here she is in one of the most famous scenes of the 1980s....

So hot.  Want to touch the hiney.

Phoebe Cates Nude Scene - Fast Time at Ridgemont High

I Love You Filthy Hobo

By now everyone is probably familiar with the Canuxploitation throwback Hobo with a Shotgun, but if after watching it you found yourself thinking - Gee, that was pretty awesome but I haven't quite had my fill of hobo-based cinema.  Well, head on over to Holy Taco to see a list of 24 other movies featuring drifters who were born to walk alone...  Now I have that Whitesnake song in my head again.

Anyway, one of them has Charles Bronson and one has Gerald McRaney and both are complete badasses.  I haven't seen the McRaney one and it looks like a Christmas movie so I'm guessing he destroys anyone who gets in Santa's way.  I may be wrong about that.

And for all the Canadians, here's a video of another famous hobo from the Great White North.  Although, this one doesn't carry a shotgun.  Canucks really seem to like their hobos.

Golden Showers and Chocolate Love

Are you bored at work and thinking - Hey, I'd really like to waste 98 minutes on a Canadian/French/West German made exploitation movie from 1974 with a Yugoslavian director featuring lots of boobies, a completely fucked up storyline, a golden shower from a golden penis, and girls masturbating in chocolate... Well your prayers have been answered because for some reason Sweet Movie is on YouTube in all its unedited glory.

Obviously it is very, very NSFW, unless you're some kind of rebel or something.