If you've ever sat around thinking that Dario Argento's supernatural horror Suspiria is dated and kind of boring but it would be great if it was remade into a modern horror film, then you're an idiot but you're in luck.
Rumors have been circulating for some time that Brian Austin Green, I mean David Gordon Green, the man who brought you such terrifying films as Pineapple Express and Your Highness, is going to modernize one of the greatest horror films of all time. Now it has been confirmed. Yippee! Stoners rejoice!
According to Green, he is trying to stay faithful to the original by artfully expanding on scenes without doing a shot for shot remake, and by keeping some of the original dialogue. And now he has purchased the rights to the original musical score by Goblin which he will integrate into the new film.
If you haven't raged on your computer yet, more details can be found at SlashFilm including some of the original Goblin tracks.
Here's the trailer for the original 1977 version of Suspiria which David Gordon Green is going to poop on.
I'm sure many are already familiar with the "unique" and often excessively violent works of Japanese director Takashi Miike. His yakuza and horror films like Ichi the Killer, Visitor Q, and Audition have made him famous throughout the world. Now he has made something different. Some reviewers are calling 13 Assassins Miike's "most restrained and mature work to date" but obviously they haven't seen The Bird People in China. To me, 13 Assassins doesn't look restrained at all.
Here's the trailer for the upcoming samurai epic from one of my favorite contemporary directors. It will be in North American theaters on April 29th.
This movie is actually a remake of a 1963 film directed by Eiichi Kudo with the same name. Here's the trailer for the original film.
I don't even know where to begin. I first became aware of this cinematic gem when I found a video about angry and/or violent dwarfs in film after reviewingThe Sinful Dwarf. For Your Height Only looked so crazy that I had to see it for myself. I've seen it and it is indeed crazy.
This James Bond parody features Weng Weng as Agent 00, a three-foot-tall super agent who seems to specialize in kicking and slapping bad guys in the junk. His diminutive stature allows him to move and hide like a ninja while infiltrating hideouts and unleashing flurry upon flurry of blows to drug dealers' nether regions. He even jumps out of a high-rise and uses an umbrella to float safely to the ground. He's just that small.
Agent 00 befriends a fine looking lady who is being "shot at once or twice a week" by a local gang after she refuses to work for them as a prostitute. Together, they quickly dispatch of these bad guys and move on to the main plot. A crime syndicate led by the mysterious Mr. Giant has kidnapped a scientist who has developed the N-bomb, a weapon so horrific that they never describe what it actually does. The Filipino government sends their best agent to get him back.
"Seagal taught me this."
Of course I'm going to recommend this movie. It's one of those movies that's so bad it's good, and this movie is really, really bad. I must warn you however that there is so much cock-punching and cock-kicking that after a while it becomes a bit tedious. For Your Height Only is an absolutely atrocious and therefore spectacular movie. Just watch the trailer and you will see.
Violence Rating: 3 out of 5 Booby Rating: 1 out of 5
I missed International Tom Hanks Day on Saturday and I feel shame. But today I present He Knows You're Alone as tribute to the great thespian because this film, ladies and gentlemen, is his first movie performance, and it is glorious. No really, the best part of this Halloween wannabe is the ten minutes that Tom Hanks is in it. I'm not even sure if his performance was supposed to be funny but I laughed like four times because the man is so damn charismatic.
He Knows You're Alone is about a guy who really hates weddings. At some point in this guy's past his woman left him for a police detective. He got so pissed that he killed her on the day that she was to marry this cop, and now he goes around killing engaged women... and their friends... and friends of their friends... and people who help plan weddings. What I'm trying to say is this movie doesn't make any sense. The guy just kills anybody wedding related. Anyways, the detective realizes that the guy who killed his fiancee is back in town after several years so he tries to hunt him down and stop him from killing too many more people. That's the story.
"Want a goober?"
My impression of He Knows You're Alone is that it tries too hard to be Halloween and ultimately fails. It's not a terrible slasher film but it's certainly not a great one. Personally, I felt nothing for any of the characters except Elliot (Tom Hanks) and didn't care as they were killed off. The plot is stupid, the film adds nothing new to the genre and, for a slasher film, the blood and boobies are minimal. But who knows, you may like it more than I did. It's not a terrible movie.
Violence Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Booby Rating: 2 out of 5
This is the original 1977 (or 1978, depending on who you talk to) version of Inglorious Bastards. The important thing to know about this movie is that it stars Bo Svenson who played Ivan in the two-part Season Three episode of Magnum P.I called "Did You See the Sunrise" where Thomas Magnum asks Ivan that famous question, "Did you see the sunrise this morning?" and then blows the Soviet colonel's head off with his M1911. It was awesome. Sure, Bo Svenson also played the minister in Kill Bill Vol. 2 but that' doesn't really matter because the important thing is, he was in Magnum P.I.... Fred Williamson is also in this move.
Inglorious Bastards really isn't that similar to the 2009 Tarantino film, Inglourious Basterds . It takes place behind enemy lines in Nazi occupied France but that's pretty much where the similarities end.
A group of ragtag criminals are being transported to a military prison when their truck comes under fire from a German plane. Because of the ensuing ruckus, the prisoners manage to escape and decide to make their way to freedom in Switzerland. During their travels, hi-jinks and death are their companions as they kill Nazis, accidentally kill Americans, befriend a German deserter, get chased by naked gun-wielding Nazi women and finally, in an attempt to earn their freedom, agree to blow up a bridge and steal rocket technology from a German train for the American government. Not all of the Bastards make it.
"I know you Thomas, I had you for three months at Duc Hua."
Inglorious Bastards is a fun film. It has plenty of action, some racist and less than politically correct banter, and a little bit of nudity thrown in for good measure. The Deuce calls it "The Dirty Dozen with nudity and a shot of blaxploitation" and I think that's an apt description. It's definitely worth watching.
Violence Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Booby Rating: 2 out of 5
It's Saturday so that means another edition of the Grindhouse Movie Poster Extravaganza! Hooray! So here is some more poster art from some not so classic films. Have a great weekend everybody and thanks again for supporting Beasts in Human Skin. I really do appreciate it!
This week's mystery screenshot is from a rather obscure movie with a famous leading man. Can you guess which movie this comes from?
There isn't a lot to say about this movie. It's not good but not especially bad, either. Virgin Witch is the kind of movie that one might watch if it's on TV and there's nothing else to do. It serves well as a time waster but it's not worth seeking out to watch. There are a lot of boobies so I guess it has that going for it.
Two attractive sisters are new in town and looking for work, possibly as models. They chance upon an ad for new modeling talent and even though the situation seams rather shady, one of the sisters secretly meets with a middle aged woman who is the head of a talent agency. Ann is told to undress and her measurements are taken by this lecherous lesbian witch. Of course Ann does not initially know that this woman's a witch but soon she is drawn into the coven.
She gets her first modeling job at a country estate where she sprawls across cars and prances through the grass whilst naked for a cider advertisement. She falls for the effeminate photographer but before he can "spoil" her, the lesbian witch intervenes to protect Ann's virginity. She needs that intact for her initiation into the coven which occurs shortly thereafter.
"Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?"
Ann becomes a special witch for she has psychic powers. I thought witches had special abilities by practicing witchcraft, but not in this film. When the randy lesbian decides to have Ann's sister Vicki deflowered and brought into the coven all hell breaks loose as Ann uses her psychic gifts to bring about an anticlimactic end.
So yeah. Don't bother searching for this one but if Virgin Witch is on TV or something, it's not a terrible way to waste some time.
Violence Rating: 1.5 out of 5 Booby Rating: 5 out of 5
For today's review I thought it would be nice to change from campy Chuck Norris kung-fu to something beautiful and bizarre. I watched The Perfume of the Lady in Black thinking it would be a giallo, but instead it turned out to be an Italian supernatural thriller and I'm okay with that.
This film has repeatedly been compared to Polanski's Rosemary's Baby and Repulsion. The similarity to Rosemary's Baby was apparent throughout the film and even the haunting musical score reminded me of it often. As far as being like Repulsion, it's similar in that it's also about a willowy blonde who loses touch with reality but I didn't get the schizophrenic, claustrophobic feeling that Repulsion forces on the audience.
I'm not sure what to think of The Perfume of the Lady in Black. It's similar to a David Lynch film in that I was left scratching my head after the credits rolled wondering what the hell actually happened. What was real and what was imagined? I'm still not sure. There is a twist ending that throws everything out of skew and I don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen the movie, but I will tell you that it comes completely out of left field.
"Is it your back?"
I hesitate to reveal too much of the plot, as scattered and confusing as it is. The Perfume of the Lady in Black is essentially about a workaholic scientist who gradually loses her sanity when repressed memories begin to manifest as physical realities. Soon there is no separation between what is objectively real and what is a projection of her own fractured psyche. And of course there is a significant amount violence and nudity along the way.
There is a haunting beauty to this film and the ending alone makes it worth watching.
Violence Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Booby Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Recently I came across the poster art for this film, searched, then lamented that I couldn't find the movie. I didn't give up. I continued to search high and low until my work finally paid off. I found a copy of Slaughter in San Francisco and I am so freaking glad that I did!
This movie had me laughing from the first few minutes. The acting, dubbing and dialogue are so comical that it's hard not to. Somehow a police dog has the ability to communicate telepathically because it barks without even opening its mouth. Impressive. And for some reason, even though this film is set in San Francisco, one of the cops has an Irish accent. At least I think that's supposed to be an Irish accent. Who knows. They even dubbed the voice of Chuck Norris. For shame.
Chuck Norris isn't even the star of this movie. He is absent through most of the film as Don Wong takes on the bad guys with fast as lightning kung-fu action until the climactic fight scene. Chuck plays the smug, cigar smoking, girl rapin', mustachioed bad guy boss and he plays him well.
The story is pretty basic. An incorruptible cop (Don Wong) is kicked off the force after he kills a guy with his lethal kung-fu moves. Chuck Slaughter (Chuck Norris) tries to recruit him for his gang because the Chinese are loyal and reliable henchmen but Wong refuses. After an evening at the pub, Wong's former partner is killed when he confronts a group of bank robbers. You have to see the drunk walking/fighting performances in this film. They are breathtaking. Anyway, Wong avenges his partner's death by rooting out corrupt cops and dismantling the gangs of local thugs until he comes face to mustachioed face with the man who is behind it all... Chuck Slaughter.
"Prepare your anus."
It's impossible to convey how great this film is. It's like the perfect campy kung-fu grindhouse movie. If ever you come across a copy of Slaughter in San Francisco, watch it! You will thank me.
Violence Rating: 3 out of 5 Booby Rating: 1.5 out of 5
