I'm Just Going to Leave This Here...

I have to find this movie.

Our Man Flint: Introducing America's Playboy Hero!

Have you ever wondered why there was never an American super spy equivalent to James Bond.  Well, in 1966 there was and his name was Derek Flint.  And of course, because this is grindhouse territory, it's exponentially campier and ludicrous than any James Bond movie ever was.  James Coburn does an admirable job as Derek Flint in this and the sequel In Like Flint but because this movie is a spy spoof more than a spy thriller, Our Man Flint feels more like an Austin Powers movie than one of the Bond films.  It's definitely worth watching just don't expect it to be on the same level as the early James Bond movies. Instead, watch it because it's a fun and somewhat silly 1960s American spy adventure.  You don't have to be drinking to enjoy Our Man Flint, but it would certainly help.

Just look at the poster art.  He makes love in 47 languages!  How could you not want to see this movie?

Daughters of Satan: A Secret Cult of Lust-Craved Witches Torturing with Fire and Desire!

*YOU CAN FIND THE UPDATED REVIEW HERE*

This one is pretty much only for fans of Tom Selleck's mustache.  I must admit that I'm a big fan of Magnum P.I. so when I came across this film I was more than a little excited because it's a cheesy little grindhouse film with a pre-Magnum Tom Selleck.  If you're not a fan of bad movies, you're probably not going to like this one.  Don't get me wrong, the acting is indeed atrocious and there are numerous plot holes but it has Tom Selleck, a somewhat interesting story and more boobies than one would expect.  So, I cautiously recommend Daughters of Satan for perhaps a drinking night.  I really kind of liked this movie but most people won't.

Here's a short video from Daughters of Satan to illustrate the tight dialogue and skilled level of acting one can expect in this film and the tightness of Tom Selleck's shorts.  If you make it all the way through it, you have my respect.

Grindhouse Movie Poster Extravaganza #2!

Here's the poster art for the original Inglorious Bastards and some other posters for films that I've never even heard of and probably will never see.  If you have any suggestions for grindhouse films that I should check out, I'm happy to hear them.  Have a great Saturday everybody!

This is My Mecca!

You guys confuse me.  I put up a poll a little while ago to determine which of Quentin Tarantino's movies you liked the least.  I thought for sure that Jackie Brown or Death Proof would easily come out on top.  Instead, you guys chose Inglourious Basterds which I thought was one of his best films.  Oh well.

Today we have one of the last of the fake trailers from the Tarantino/Rodriguez double feature Grindhouse.  This one was directed by Rob Zombie and features one of Nicolas Cage's finest performances.  As far as I know there are no plans to make this into an actual film but I'd definitely like to see it if they ever did.  Not too long ago Rob Zombie was working on a remake of The Blob but it seems he abandoned that project to work on an original idea.  I hope it's better than his last couple of films.

Here's the fake trailer and like most of the other trailers from Grindhouse, it's very NSFW.

Oh Udo Kier, why do you get no respect...

*UPDATE:  Rob Zombie's new movie will be The Lords of Salem and will star Sheri Moon Zombie.

See all of Sheri's nude scenes at MrSkin.com!

Knightriders: I'm Fighting the Dragon!

Instead of featuring one of George A. Romero's zombie classics, I thought I'd give you my opinion of one of his lesser known films, Knightriders.  From the looks of the poster art it seems that this is another cheesy movie to watch only for it's comedic value.  But no my friends, this is an outstanding film.  I first saw this piece of grindhouse gold during an extended movie marathon with a friend of mine.  It was already after midnight and I was tired and ready to go home but my friend convinced me to put Knightriders on for a little bit just to see how bad it is.  I stayed until the movie was over.  This film draws you in because it tells a unique and interesting story and makes you genuinely feel for the characters.  A young Ed Harris shows off his acting chops, Tom Savini gets to be in front of the camera instead of doing his usual make-up and special effects and there is even a cameo by Stephen King.

Sure it looks silly, but it's worth checking out.  It's another one of my grindhouse favorites.

*YOU CAN READ THE FULL REVIEW HERE*

Zombi 2: When the Earth Spits Out the Dead, They Will Rise to Suck the Blood of the Living!

Many people know of Zombi 2/Zombie/Island of the Flesh-Eaters because a zombie fights a shark in it and really, it's worth seeing just because of that.  I'm not the biggest fan of zombie movies even if they are from the grindhouse era, although I do think there are some excellent grindhouse zombie films.  Don't get me wrong, I like these movies... just not as much as some people.  I'm more a fan of giallo and Italian supernatural horror and Lucio Fulci, the guy who directed this, is one of my favorite giallo directors.  Therefore, this is one of my favorite zombie movies.  I think I still prefer the old school Romero films but the Italians made some pretty damn good zombie films as well, and this is one of them.  I recommend it.

Here's a video of the trailer and also the infamous shark vs. zombie fight scene.  Enjoy.

Manos: The Hands of Fate - It's Shocking! It's Beyond Your Imagination!

This is what happens when a fertilizer salesman makes a movie on a dare.  Manos: The Hands of Fate is perhaps one of the biggest train wrecks I have ever seen.  And I have seen it many times simply because it's so bad that it's a challenge to watch and for that reason, kind of fun.  My friend and I used to get a couple of 40s and watch this "film" every year.  Mystery Science Theater 3000 featured this movie and if you are brave enough to give Manos a viewing, I highly recommend that you get the MST3K version.  At least they make it enjoyable.  On a sad note, the guy who played Torgo in this movie killed himself before the "film's" opening.  Allegedly, it had nothing to do with how terrible the movie is.

Even with the MST3K treatment of this movie, it's difficult to get through.  On its own, Manos: The Hands of Fate is practically unwatchable... unless you're drunk.

Here is a short video to give you a taste of the magic and splendor of Manos.

What Have You Done to Solange?

Also Known As

• ¿Qué habéis hecho con Solange? (Spain)
• Das Geheimnis der grünen Stecknadel (Germany)
• Mais... qu'avez vous fait à Solange? (France)
• Mannen i svart (Sweden)
• Que Fizeram a Solange? (Portugal)
• Solange (UK) (video box title)
• Terror in the Woods (USA)
• The School That Couldn't Scream (USA)
• The Secret of the Green Pins (USA)
• Tromos sto parthenagogeio (Greece)
• Vahset - Solange'e ne yaptiniz? (Turkey) (Turkish title)
• Viasmos sto parthenagogeio (Greece) (reissue title)
• What Have They Done to Solange? (USA)
• What Have You Done to Solange? (UK) (video title)
• Who Killed Solange?
• Who's Next? (UK)

Main Details

• Released in 1972
• Color
• Running Time: Italy:103 min | UK:102 min | West Germany:96 min
• Production Co: Italian International Film | Clodio Cinematografica | Rialto Film Preben-Philipsen (as Rialto Film Preben Philipsen GmbH & Co. KG)
• Distribution Co: Italian International Film (1972) (Italy) (theatrical) | American International Pictures (AIP) (1975) (USA) (as "Terror in the Woods") | Constantin Film (1972) (Germany) (theatrical)

Cast and Crew

• Directed by Massimo Dallamano
• Written by Bruno Di Geronimo, Massimo Dallamano
• Starring Fabio Testi, Cristina Galbó, Karin Baal, Joachim Fuchsberger, Günther Stoll, Camille Keaton
• Produced by Leo Pescarolo, Fulvio Lucisano, Horst Wendlandt
• Original Music by Ennio Morricone
• Cinematography by Joe D'Amato (as Aristide Massaccesi)
• Film Editing by Antonio Siciliano, Clarissa Ambach 

I had never seen What Have You Done to Solange until I decided to review it for this blog.  I didn't have the highest of expectations but I was more than pleasantly surprised.  This is one of the best giallo (Italian whodunit) films that I have ever seen.  Just when you think you know what is going to happen, everything changes and then when you think you know who the killer is, you are wrong.  The film keeps you guessing the whole time, adding new elements and plot twists until the very end.

The film begins with an Italian born teacher having an adulterous affair with one of his English Catholic schoolgirl students.  That's right, our protagonist is an Italian pedophile. He and his underage lover are out on a romantic rowboat rendezvous when she witnesses a man in dark robes shove a butcher knife up the nether regions of a female classmate on the riverbank.

When news of the murder comes out and other girls start dying in the same manner, Henry -the Italian pedophile- is linked to the first crime through a dropped pen at the murder scene, but he cannot reveal his reason for being there because his German wife would find out about the affair.  He is therefore implicated in the murders by a pipe smoking detective, Inspector Barth.  Eventually convinced of Henry's innocence, these two team up to investigate these gruesome murders and reveal the story of Solange.  Who is killing these girls?  Who the hell is Solange?  Will a pedophile be allowed to continue teaching gym class?  You will have to watch to find out.

What Have You Done to Solange is a pretty great film.  If you are a fan of murder mysteries or just like ample violence and boobies in your movies, this one's for you.  In my opinion, this film is on par with or possibly even better than the gialli of the masters Argento, Fulci and Bava.  I highly recommend it.

Violence Rating: 3.75 out of 5
Booby Rating:  4 out of 5

Grindhouse Movie Poster Extravaganza!

In my opinion, one of the greatest aspects of the old grindhouse movies is the poster art.  You know what else is awesome about grindhouse movies?  Chuck Norris.  Here are a few less-than-politically-correct posters for your enjoyment on this lazy Sunday.  I'll be back tomorrow with a review of one of the greatest giallo films ever made.

Off Topic #4: Be Careful What You Wish For...

On Wednesday I asked you all to tell me about some of the worst movies that you have ever seen so that I too could suffer through two or three of them.  Thanks everybody for your submissions.  It was hard to narrow down the list of some really terrible looking films but I have selected three which I will soon watch and tell you what I think.  From the list of submissions,  I have chosen: Battlefield Earth, Dungeons & Dragons, and Gigli.

I've always been intrigued by Battlefield Earth because it's a big budget Scientology film starring John Travolta but I always avoided it because it's a big budget Scientology film starring John Travolta. Now I will finally sit down and learn about the rich mythology and life lessons of Scientology.

I used to play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons and I mean a lot so when the movie came out I boycotted it on principle.  I refused to let Marlon Wayans rape my precious game in front of my very eyes. I think I'm ready now.

Lastly there is Gigli.  Quite frankly, Gigli scares the hell out of me and really don't want to see this film.  Ever.  But I will.

May Xenu have mercy on my soul.

Don't!

One of the fake trailers from the Tarantino/Rodriguez double feature Grindhouse, which I'm pretty sure will never be made into a real movie but I wish it would be,  is "Don't."   It's hilarious. It's not even from a modern grindhouse director like Rob Zombie or Robert Rodriguez. It's from Edgar Wright who you may know as the director of such films as Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.  Will Arnett even did the voice-over on this thing.   I have yet to see Scott Pilgrim but I loved Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.

Have a great Friday, everybody.  I'm freezing my ass off here on the Canadian prairies so I hope it's warmer where you are.

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin: The Kung Fu Classic That Started It All!

A couple of days ago I served up a tepid slice of grindhouse crap called The Forest and tempted you to take a bite.  I apologize.  To make it up to you, today I'm recommending a Kung-Fu classic called The 36th Chamber of Shaolin or Master Killer starring a very young Gordon Liu who you might remember as the bearded Chinese martial arts master and xenophobic meanie, Pai Mei, in Kill Bill: Vol. 2.  He also played Johnny Mo in Kill Bill: Vol. 1.  The 36th Chamber was really the first martial arts movie that I saw apart from The Karate Kid, Part II - now I have that damn Peter Cetera song in my head - and it made me a fan of the genre.

Anyways, if you haven't seen this film yet I highly recommend that you do.  It is indeed a classic.  Below is the trailer and the opening scene of The 36th Chamber of Shaolin.

"We did it all for the glory of love..."

Make Me Suffer

I just wanted to again say thanks to everyone for their support of this blog and kind words.  And I especially want to thank G at Bar Science for mentioning "Beasts in Human Skin" as a blog worth checking out last Sunday.

Now...  I have an unusual request.  I want you to list the worst movies that you have ever seen.  They don't even have to be grindhouse films.  I will look through the gems that you tell me about, choose two or three, suffer through them and give a short review of each one.  For some strange reason, I'm really looking forward to this so give me your worst.  I can take it.  Maybe.

What are the worst movies you have ever seen?

It's Blood

In my less than humble opinion, the fake trailers were the best part of the Rodriguez/Tarantino project, Grindhouse.  They were so good in fact, that people started making them into real movies.  First Robert Rodriguez gave us Machete, then a couple of Canadian boys made Hobo with a Shotgun which is due out this spring.  Now it's rumored that Eli Roth is making a full length feature from his awesomly disturbing Thanksgiving trailer.

Below is that fake trailer in all its NSFW glory.

The Forest: Daddy's Gone a Hunting

This is one of those movies that traumatized the hell out of me when I was a kid.  I couldn't remember what it was called so it took me forever to track it down.  I finally found it and watched it again about a year ago and... well... it's definitely better left remembered.   This one, my friends, is a hard one to get through.  It's pretty much a train wreck from beginning to end. The violence is minimal, compared to other slasher films, and the boobies are nonexistent.  In fact, if you can make it all the way through the trailer, I salute you.  Now imagine 85 minutes of that...

This one is really only for masochists or grindhouse/American slasher film aficionados... or maybe if you're drunk and want a few laughs.

Read the updated review here: The Forest (1982)

The Dunwich Horror

  Main Details

• Released in 1970
• Color
• Running Time: 90 Min.
• Production Co: American International Pictures (AIP)
• Distribution Co: American International Pictures (AIP) (1970) (USA) (theatrical)

Cast and Crew

• Directed by Daniel Haller

• Written by Curtis Hanson, Henry Rosenbaum, Ronald Silkosky

• Starring Sandra Dee, Dean Stockwell, Ed Begley, Lloyd Bochner, Sam Jaffe

• Produced by Samuel Z. Arkoff, Jack Bohrer, Roger Corman, James H. Nicholson

• Original Music by Les Baxter

• Cinematography by Richard C. Glouner

• Film Editing by Christopher Holmes  

The strangely hypnotic, permed and mustachioed Wilbur Whately (Dean Stockwell), grandson of a despised sorcerer, tries it convince Miskatonic Univiversity - Go Pods! - professor Dr. Henry Armitage to let him borrow the mysterious and priceless Necronimicon from the college library. The good Doctor refuses to let the book go.  After a polite conversation over drinks with the professor and a couple of Miskatonic students, Wilbur misses the bus and exclaims "that is somethin' that I'll never ever ever do again."  Just kidding.  That was Kris Kross back in 1991.  But he did miss the bus and proceeds to use his creepy '70s charm to convince the lovely Nancy Wagner (Sandra Dee) to give him a ride back to his hometown of Dunwich.

Back at the Whately estate, Wilbur sabotages Nancy's car, drugs her up and somehow convinces her to stay for the weekend.  Maybe she was mesmerized by the 'stache.  Dr. Armitage and Nancy's friend, Elizabeth, travel to Dunwich to investigate Nancy's disappearance but when they find her they can do nothing to convince her to leave the mustachioed charmer.

The professor begins to investigate Wilbur's background by consulting another good Doctor, Dr. Cory, - who smokes a pipe so you know he's a stand-up guy.  Together as a sort of Sherlock Holmes and Watson duo, they reveal Wilbur's demonic past and the evil shenanigans that he and his twin brother are up to.  Wilbur wants the virginal Nancy to bear him a son to carry on his unholy  lineage and his brother, well, he just wants to eat people.  Can the two doctors stop Wilbur's evil plan and save Nancy in time?  Will his evil brother undress and/or eat all of the people of Dunwich? You will have to watch the film to find out.

Even though it differs a great deal from the original story, if you like the writings of H. P. Lovecraft, this is a movie that you should definitely check out.  Also, if you like Dean Stockton with a perm and a mustache, this is your film.

Violence Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Booby Rating: 1.5 out of 5